50 shits of grey
Disclaimer: This is my own personal review of the Fifty Shades of Grey book. It contains spoilers and quotes from the book, as well as from other media in the internet. If you plan on reading the book and don't want me to ruin what it contains for you, I advise you to stop reading now.
Also, I know there has been a lot of other (fifty shades more colorful) reviews about this book already. I want to put my two cents in and express my riveting thoughts about this...err, book, just as how the celebrated E L James expressed her riveting thoughts about kinky sex fantasies on Twilight. This review may garner anything from some raised eyebrows to amused agreement to bird-flipping your screen with regards to my insight. Yes, your opinions are welcome. But then again opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and some of them stink.
Also, you may also find that I use some decorative words in this post. Should you be offended, don't say I didn't warn you.
Also, I have nothing against BDSM, Amish people, anorexics, or any other cross reference mentioned here.
So. Finally, I manage to get in my hands the first installation of the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I have seen it in Chapters several times, saw it on my friends' Instagram and Facebook photos. Some raving, some hating. Others completely head over heels, some clueless, the rest couldn't care less. Me, I was curious. I'm sure a lot of you are too. I stumbled across epubbud.com from a comment on one of my friend's pictures and managed to get a free (albeit poorly edited) copy of the book there. I got myself an eReader, downloaded the book, and dished out for myself what the hype really was about (although a few days after a coworker tried looking for the book there and it seems to have been deleted... I dunno).
Oh. How disappointed I was.
In the first chapter, the (un)heroine Anastasia Steele scowls at herself in the mirror because of her hair. Huh. Typical. I thought this was about a teenager, probably a junior in high school dreading the typical date, or first day at school blah blah blah. At first, it reminded me of how I would start a fanfiction, or a story that I will probably never get to finish writing back in high school. I used to read a lot of books, mostly for teens or written by Meg Cabot, and I would often brainstorm some first few chapters of a story here and there. The first chapter, heck, the first line of the book took me back to those teenage years. And I thought to myself, Wow, I was a really bad writer. Well, pardon me for being sixteen and hopeful. I wasn't a fifty-something executive producer mom with two sons that wanted to share my explicit kinky fantasies about a book that was intended for a younger audience online *cough cough*. No. I'm sure, that even at fifty, that would not be my calling.
The story (thus far that I have read) is about this girl, Anastasia Steele, who happens to catch the eye of young, wealthy business tycoon Christian Grey. They are smitten with each other, but basically the guy doesn't want a commitment, while the girl obviously pines for one. So the girl keeps holding on, hoping the guy would see her as something more than what he intended her for.
Now where have I read this before? Right. Story of just about any other girl out there at some point in her life. And that fail of a vampire series.
Now where have I read this before? Right. Story of just about any other girl out there at some point in her life. And that fail of a vampire series.
I've been itching to write this during my work day at the hospital. I have finished the first book. And I'm sorry to say I cannot go on to read the other books. The pain of reading it is just too much for my powers. I could endure it no longer. Never have I read anything as far-fetched and awful as this literary POS. There have been far too many lists like these about the book. I may just add to the unending pile, but I just cannot hold this in anymore. Some of the content here you may have already read in other reviews, but all I can say about that is, I share their pain. We have journeyed through the pages of this book enduring the repetitive, copy-paste work of "literature" of E L James. We have suffered. And this, our release. Just don't expect us to shatter into a million pieces. Sometimes I wonder why I wanted endure this and finish it til the end. I would like to think of it as sacrificing my brain cells for the betterment of humanity. It was the least I could do. And I just REALLY wanted to bitch. I had a god-awful desire to shred this to a million pieces, but I remembered the tree that was insulted and killed just to be the platform of this... this... idiocy. Really, a toilet paper served a much better, more noble purpose.
Anyway, these are the fifty reasons why I just cannot stomach this any more, fifty reasons why you shouldn't purchase this book if you really want to read it, and if you haven't read it yet, fifty reasons you shouldn't.
Anyway, these are the fifty reasons why I just cannot stomach this any more, fifty reasons why you shouldn't purchase this book if you really want to read it, and if you haven't read it yet, fifty reasons you shouldn't.
1. Anastasia Steele. Christian Grey. What pleasant sounding names.Very seventeenth century. And the woman seems to be very seventeenth century too. A time when most women weren't recognized and barely stood up for themselves. Where they were at their husbands' beck and call. When most of them were virgins and had to be betrothed to the milker's son next door at the age of sixteen. The girl's sense of self is below sea level. The bloody twat needs to grow a spine. She second guesses herself 99.99% of the time, all the while debating whether she ought to be Grey's submissive, or if she has a submissive bone in her body. Oh, she's not sure if she wants to be submissive. Just like how sure she was about her decisions, like when she orders whatever champagne he gets, or whatever he gets in IHOP. Seriously? Where is the freedom of choice here again? And you don't like him dictating what or what doesn't go in your mouth? Slap me with a bacon, will ya.
2. Christian Grey. Oh, the debonair. The tycoon. The young millionaire. The one with the just a little too kinky issues. This is supposedly a BDSM relationship. Now, I have nothing against BDSM. I did not know much about BDSM until I Googled it about a minute ago. Wikipedia says: Sexual intercourse—be it oral, anal or vaginal—may occur within a session; but it is not essential. Read: not essential. But not to Christian. Oh no. He likes to fuck. Hard. And that seems like all he wants to do. Fuck, fuck, fuck all day, errday. It's sex he wants, not majorly being the dominant. Otherwise, he would just be all BDSM on Ana and not take off his pants sometimes or at all. But no. He *has* to fuck her because she has beguiled him and bewitched him. Now tell me, does that not sound more like some sex-crazed psychopath to you? Oh my.
3. Ana comes into his office tripping head first. What idiot does that? There wasn't even anything to trip on. Not even most drunk people fall head first when coming into a room. This girl has brain dysfunctions, among others. Maybe if she had a two-second seizure. Oh sorry, E L James, was that an attempt at being funny? Just tickle me. Maybe I'll laugh.
4. Ana uses a mini disc recorder to record their interview. A mini disc recorder, very circa 1992. It belongs to Kate, which is just very modern, in my opinion. Where'd you get that, eBay? Craigslist? Obsoletes-R-Us? This is where James starts being unrealistic and has the decades mixed up. Being as rich as Kate, ultra modern in the year 2011, I'm sure she must've heard of digital recorders at the very least.
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| Mini disc recorder: it's touchscreen! Available at eBay for $49.99 |
5. Ana also has no phone or email. Or a computer. Bloody-effin-hell, it's the 21st century. This was even supposed to be in 2011. No woman in this day and time doesn't have her own phone, or even an email address. What is she, Amish? (No offense to Amish people out there) She's twenty one for crying out loud. How can she have gotten through college without a computer? Handwritten all her essays? This is where it gets kind of awkward that a fifty something mom would write a fanfic. Not that I know whether she's knowledgeable or not about modern technology, or what really goes on with college graduates these days, and not that I think moms who write fanfics are a little out of the line. It's just that it seems there was a bad cross of generations here. There is something disconnected when a modern 21st century American college graduate did not have something as mandatory to college such as a phone, a laptop, and an email address. Unless she's Amish. Which she's not. Jeez.
6. Oh my... Oh my... Oh my... (Repeat another fifty times every other page)
Jeez... jeez... jeez... jeez... zzzzzz...
Holy cow/Moses/crap/fuck/shit/... HOLY SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
7. I murmur, Christian murmurs. Murmur. Murmur. Murmur. Murmur. Are there any other forms of verbal communication is this book other than MURMUR? Ever heard of whisper? In a low voice? Is murmur all you can think of? Seriously, this book made me hate that word. Whenever I read another book with the word murmur I immediately flash back to this book. And I don't really like to relive the worst moments of my life. No one does.
Jeez... jeez... jeez... jeez... zzzzzz...
Holy cow/Moses/crap/fuck/shit/... HOLY SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
7. I murmur, Christian murmurs. Murmur. Murmur. Murmur. Murmur. Are there any other forms of verbal communication is this book other than MURMUR? Ever heard of whisper? In a low voice? Is murmur all you can think of? Seriously, this book made me hate that word. Whenever I read another book with the word murmur I immediately flash back to this book. And I don't really like to relive the worst moments of my life. No one does.
8. Soft voice... growls... long index finger. Oh god, now a broken record? Is this some jumping music file? Oh, wait, it could have been a tape, since we are after all, talking about what Ana with her 1992 mini disc recorder has in her mind.
9. Is this some game of copy paste adjectives and verbs over and over and over and over again? Or maybe I just didn't turn the page, just like how Ana didn't seem to have pressed the elevator button coz there's all glass, steel, and white sandstone on the lobby as well as glass, steel, and white sandstone on the twentieth floor of the Grey Building. Did that just sound redundant? I guess I did sound redundant. Repeating words again and again makes you sound redundant, so it is redundant. I wonder if E L James has ever heard of the word redundant.
10. She flushes a lot. Like a public toilet at a gas station. E L James sure has a HUGE vocabulary here. Her words are so overused like a prostitute's pussy.
11. The way she describes her sex scenes, is totally different how she describes the other (boring) parts in the story. Which just shows really what the fuss is about in the books. Which is the sex. Sex sells. Which is why this POS is all the hype. People are willing to bypass the bad writing in this mediocre work because never had there been a mainstream book about sex. People will read this just because of the sex. Come on, people, you can do better than this book. There are other WAY better books out there. Or just watch free internet porn. Save your money. And more seconds of your life. And brain cells.
11. The way she describes her sex scenes, is totally different how she describes the other (boring) parts in the story. Which just shows really what the fuss is about in the books. Which is the sex. Sex sells. Which is why this POS is all the hype. People are willing to bypass the bad writing in this mediocre work because never had there been a mainstream book about sex. People will read this just because of the sex. Come on, people, you can do better than this book. There are other WAY better books out there. Or just watch free internet porn. Save your money. And more seconds of your life. And brain cells.
12. Who, in her right state of mind, without any sort of mental retardation, talks to her subconscious? A subconscious is defined as something in the mind beneath or beyond consciousness. SUB-freakin-CONSCIOUS, woman. So unless she gets knocked out into a coma or faints every so often, no subconscious talks. Or has a snarky face or rears an ugly head. No one is ever conscious of their subconscious. Hence, SUB. Fuck. Someone shove a dictionary down this woman's throat.
13. From the time when Ana sees Christian at Clayton's:
"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: he’s here to see you."
According to Wikipedia: The medulla oblongata is the lower half of the brainstem. The medulla contains the cardiac, respiratory, vomiting and vasomotor centers and deals with autonomic, involuntary functions, such as breathing, heart rate and blood pressure.
Now which part of THAT does a person's subconscious resides? Very underused indeed. She not only has a wrong mix of generations, she also has a bad mix up of brain parts. And this book is supposed to be a bestseller?
14. In the part where she interviews Grey, Ana says:
"As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate."
Girl, even if you were bradycardic, blinking your lids sixty five times a minute would make you look delirious.
15. I Googled "fifty shades of grey reviews" and came across this article:
From http://gothamist.com/2012/09/02/mr_50_shades_of_grey_opens_up_about.php
Throughout this whole 50 Shades Of Grey phenomenon, mommys across the world have fantasized about the kind of kinky, arousing home life which could have inspired writer E.L. James to pen such riveting, rapturous prose.
I LAUGHED out loud when I read this. Riveting, rapturous prose? No shit? Hahahahahaha!
16. Again, from the same article:
Finally, the man behind Christian Grey, James' husband Niall Leonard, has deigned to pull back the curtains and give the world a glimpse into their bedroom: "I'm the least romantic fecker that ever lived - ask my wife Erika, aka E.L. James. Our first Christmas together I bought her a tin opener, and my earliest experience of kinky sex was her trying to shove it up my arse."
No wonder James has such a riveting, rapturous prose: her bloody husband has no drop of romance or imagination in his bloodstream. I don't blame her for having such riveting, rapturous fantasies expressed in a Twilight fanfiction. Poor woman.
17. Nothing, NOTHING, should ever be inspired by Twilight. Ever. Just when I thought this disastrous era of vampires and wolves is over, this inspired work comes. I mean, the books were okay, the movie was horrible, Kristen Stewart was a sad excuse of an actress, but PLEASE, can we move on with the weakling woman and the invincible handsome maniac?
18. James also says "the bar is set pretty low" on the Twilight saga and she wants to do one better. Um, no. If anything, you made me lose faith in the literary world and all other book lovers out there who loved this. In truth, you set the bar several knots under the ocean. Not only do I not trust the Globe and Mail bestsellers list anymore, but other readers as well. To reviewers, if you totally loved this, don't expect me to trust your holy grail of awesome books. Your credibility is questionable.
19. Again, further into the article:
"Leonard was her first editor: "She'd write a new chapter every week or so, and I would proof-read it, checking her spelling, adding and subtracting commas, cutting back on those bloody ellipses… and occasionally suggesting a tweak if I thought the meaning was unclear."
You let your unromantic husband proof-read and edit this? Seriously? YOU LET SOMEONE WHO ADMITS HE HAS NO INCLINATION TOWARDS ROMANCE WHATSOEVER PROOF-READ A ROMANTIC NOVEL? Not that this is in any way near a romantic novel, but still. No wonder this book is just as unromantic, it's horribly edited too, the way he let you allow all those murmurs and Oh my's appear hundreds of times in one chapter. What is fucking wrong with EL James? Or maybe the more appropriate question would be, what was RIGHT with EL James? Nothing. I assure you.
20. Two other good looking men are supposedly in love with Ana and keeps asking her out. Don't we just love women like those? Oblivious to what could be a normal relationship, and then she seeks a normal relationship with a psychopath. Yeah, girls like these are the epitome of a good role model for women in society.
21. Now, I really don't blame her for wanting more from Christian. Yes, the idea of unrequited love seems very thrilling. The idea of eventually "changing" someone, fixing something that is broken, repairing a damaged heart. Yeah, yeah, we've all longed for the bad boy, the one with the painful past. I've been there myself. But I don't really feel sorry at all for Ana. Not at all. Cry away, oh stupid one. You asked for it. If you had any wits about you, from that moment he said "I cannot give you more", I would have run the opposite direction before he could say submissive. He did give you a warning. But did you listen? Oh no. You flushed fifty shades of stupid and still bragged about your GPA.
22. Now isn't that true love? Changing someone? I'm sure all the men out there are also sitting in their offices, twiddling their thumbs waiting for some woman to stumble into their arms and change them. Am I right, guys? That's all you want, isn't it?
23. Whoever signs a contract as preposterous as that, to someone you just met, to give up your sexual rights to a nympho, no matter how handsome or rich he is, is a complete, total idiot. Brag about your GPA now, Ana. You're supposed to be educated. You supposedly have gone to college. Were you home schooled? Didn't any one of your four parents ever give you any sexual education at the very least? Not even in high school? FOUR parents. And not one told you not to spread your legs for someone you've only known for two weeks. The only thing you're missing is a flashing sign that says "EASY" on your forehead.
24. Back to Christian. For a 26-year-old billionaire, he is very busy. Busy that all he does is fuck his sex toy (Ana). Any middle aged billionaire, running a big telecommunications company, without a board of directors to answer to, should be running about the country, be on his computer most hours of the day, would hardly have any time for any extracurricular activity whatsoever, and would hardly even have time to do anything with Ana. He has 40000 employees to pay and the rest of the world to feed. For a one man team, he sure has a LOT of time for kinky sex and picking up drunkards from the bar.
25. But then again, there are hardly any 26 year old billionaires. You might say Mark Zuckerberg. But then again, he's a nerd.
26. Ana says she never drinks. Supposedly, she's a lightweight. But for the amount of champagne she drinks throughout the book, I would assume she would be knocked out after a glass. But she's not. Hooray for another realistic trait of Ana!
27. Christian gets turned on with her lip biting. Yeah, yeah, okay, we all have our fetishes. But one time too many just makes me wish that she does bite her lip off. For good.
28. Now, this grossed me out a little. On the day of their supposed first sexual encounter, Ana was working at Clayton's all day. Christian picks him up, gives her the contract, shows her the room, she tells him she's a virgin and wants to have vanilla sex with her. Now what he does next shocks me: He takes off her shoes and socks, and starts licking her foot. Like I said, we all have our fetishes. I do have a little foot fetish myself, but I'm not gross enough to lick someone's foot after they've worked all day, walking around at a hardware store for eight hours. I recoil at the smell of freshly removed socks from a foot that's been walking around for some time. Anyone's feet would be sweaty and smelly after a whole day's work, and he would just take off her sneakers and start licking her instep. That is disgusting. Even I wouldn't lick Ryan Reynold's feet if he didn't wash them first. The Red Room of Horror was weird enough, but that, just made me shudder.
29. She had two orgasms on her first night. For a virgin, she sure does know how an orgasm feels, with a penis his size. I'm sure it's just everyday that a 21 year old virgin gets her cherry popped and it just feels perfect the first time around. Two, even. And one from nipple biting. Yes, nipple biting. And how the hell does she know what an orgasm feels like? Or how supposedly good Christian was in bed? She had NO OTHER SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS TO COMPARE IT TO. Maybe Ana can give all the virgins and other first timers a lesson on how to recognize your first orgy, or how to have the perfect first time, because everyone's first time is always perfect. *cough* Mary Sue *cough cough*. Why don't you tell virgins this: I got my first orgasm from a nipple nibble, and the guy came after only a minute! It was a wonderful night!
30. This inner goddess of hers... It irks me. A lot. This may be what she calls her supposed lady parts or whatever, but I just want to pinch that inner goddess in the most painful way possible. I don't know why. It does backflips, it dances, does pirouettes... Sounds like a Toddler in Tiara. Or a really annoying fly. It just gets on my nerves. I just want to slap it its brain shudders in its skull. It's just so annoying I don't know why. Just like how I want to pinch Ana coz she's annoying as fuck.
31. He tells her how to eat, tells her not to snack, urges her to finish the food in her plate. Now, I know he has issues about world hunger and shit, but any guy who dictates what goes into someone's mouth, especially to someone you just met, just doesn't know how to respect other people. Do you really want someone like that as your boyfriend? Most moms are already crowned as the food police, I don't think anyone needs two, unless you have a serious eating disorder (again, not meaning to offend anyone in here).
32. Christian needs other shirts. For a rich CEO he only has one shirt. He may have several of the same white linen shirt, but unless you have clothing issues, maybe you should try on other types of upper body clothing for a change. You know, like a normal human being.
33. And he sure is helping put an end to world hunger, starting with buying a total stranger a car. An Audi at that. And a top of the line Mac. And a full new wardrobe. I'm sure some one thousand children in Africa feel very full.
34. "You put the phone down... No, you put the phone down... No, you do it"
High school much? What self respecting twenty-something does that anymore? It just retched back up some teenage memories most of us want to forget. Is E L James fantasizing backwards or something? Has she forgotten she's almost menopausal, and she's writing crap like this?
35. In the age of Facebook, instant messages, even texting, they email each other. Again, how very 21st century! Excuse me while I email my boyfriend. Coz that is just the latest hype, emailing. It's so very in and convenient these days.
36. Who gets excited about frozen peas? 0.o
37) The book was originally entitled "The Man of The Universe" under E L James' fanfiction author name, Snowqueens Icedragon. Snowqueens Icedragon. Ha... Ha... Hahahahahahahahaha! And to think you're fifty years old. My mom is fifty something and she would never ever think of a username like Snowqueens fucking Icedragon. No self-respecting mom would. No teenager playing MMORPG would. And "Man of the Universe"? Uh, what? I pity her kids. They'll never live the fact down that their mother owns the username Snowqueens Icedragon and wrote dipshit erotica that their friends' moms are blushing over right now.
38. Women on their periods are hormonal, cranky, and have cramps. Try fishing a tampon out of their vagina. Go on, I'd like to see you try.
39. "Laters, baby". Just. Sounds. So. Stupid. Who says that? If my boyfriend said that to me, I would just laugh and flare my nose at his corniness. It's not sexy. Ever. No woman should ever fantasize about their man saying that to them. That is just plain corny.
40. Pigtails + lip biting + virgin just screams jailbait to me. If she wasn't over twenty one it would make Christian a pedo. And to think she thought that having a pigtail might not make him come after her. The dude sucks sweaty toes, invading menstrual privacy by fishing out dirty tampons, and gets off on imposing physical abuse on whiny twats. Nothing surprises me anymore.
41. Who wasn't annoyed in the last chapters where she asked for a spanking and then cries after? Because that's what you get after a spanking, you stupid woman. It hurts. And you asked for it and then you run sobbing to a corner. I just wanted to jump in there and continue on slapping your retarded butt. And you know what the worst part is? She fucking apologizes to him. Whatever sliver of respect I have left for her, just evaporated right on the spot.
42. Where is the plot in this? Really? Who can honestly point out the story line in this? Anyone? Because, seriously, all I'm reading here is repetitive sex, lip biting, oh my's, holy shit/fuck/cow/Moses, a few boring scenes in between and no tangible climax (both sexual and literal) whatsoever. It's just a psycho fucking a spineless twat and the dumb girl wants love. Because in a real story, there is a beginning, several crises (sometimes just one), a climax, and an ending. This book is just... sex. If it's sex you want, read the Kama Sutra. Or watch free internet porn.
43. Why are they talking like Brits when this is supposed to be in Seattle? Can someone from Seattle honestly say they talk like that? James hasn't even been to Seattle or Portland or Vancouver. Not only did she not study anatomy, writing courses, reality, and common sense, she writes about places she hasn't been to. A sign of an accomplished writer. Just kidding.
44. "Is he worthy of me? That’s an interesting concept. I always wonder whether I am worthy of him."
This, ladies, should never be a question you ask yourself. For the love of God, no self-respecting woman should ever, EVER ask herself this.
45. A nympho guy who doesn't like to be touched has just some serious issues, among Christian's other peculiar ones. What, you just want to stick your dick into something and get it over and done with? You have germ issues? Well, you sure didn't have any problems sucking her sweaty foot, yet you don't like her touching you. What is wrong with this douche?
46. He changes his email signature trying to be funny. That is, uh, very CEO-ish of you. Very mid-twenties too. Very professional. And very funny. Again, just tickle me if you want me to laugh.
47. Stephenie Meyer hasn't even read these books. I don't blame her. If I had to read a spin-off on one of my novels, I won't touch the one written by E L James either.
48. Chris (my boyfriend) and I were talking about this. Choose the correct answer:
People who thought this was a good book had to be
A) a virgin
B) haven't had good sex (alone or otherwise)
C) doesn't read good books, or read, in general
D) jumping on the bandwagon
E) all of the above.
49. I will admit. I am a bit jealous that something like this, something that looks like it was written by a fourteen year old could garner such attention. Like I said, it's the sex. It's all about the sex. Anyone could have written this, maybe even better and well deserved. But an inexperienced wannabe "writer" gets a million dollars a week for this piece of shit? No wonder there are hungry people in the world.
50. Apple has no Macbook Pro with 32 gigs of RAM. I checked it in every language and country possible, ticked off all the most expensive add ons and accessories, and I only came up with a $9000 laptop with 16 gig. Where did she get this laptop? Coz Apple doesn't seem to have made one like it yet. It's back to the future with the mini disc recorder and super fast Macbook Pro. God, what era is this book set on???
I cannot stress this enough: THERE ARE WAY BETTER BOOKS OUT THERE PEOPLE. It's a shame you're adding to the fame of this undeserving book. If you thought this was a riveting, rapturous prose, I suggest you read more books (or may need a good hit on the head with a fire extinguisher). Or just admit you're reading it for the sex. If it's the latter, shame on you, succumbing to this. You can do better. If you are, in fact, like millions of other self-insulting people out there and just absolutely love this book, I question your credibility. And your taste in books, for that matter.
And there you go. My Fifty shades review. Bit long and colorful, but like I said, no book has ever garnered this much emotion from me. It's the worst book I have ever read. I have no plans on reading the other books. Ever. Curiosity killed the cat and I got murdered, dismembered, and my remains scattered all over town for satisfying my curiosity. I could not wait to put the damn book down, and now that my review is finished, I can finally delete it and the rest of the books from my eReader. It's like I finally managed to pull the fish bone stuck in my throat. I'm rereading the Harry Potter books; I have to start reading good books again since this made me lost some self-respect. I had to get them back. All I can say for Ana and Christian now is...
<3
P.S.
POS = Piece of shit.
13. From the time when Ana sees Christian at Clayton's:
"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: he’s here to see you."
According to Wikipedia: The medulla oblongata is the lower half of the brainstem. The medulla contains the cardiac, respiratory, vomiting and vasomotor centers and deals with autonomic, involuntary functions, such as breathing, heart rate and blood pressure.
Now which part of THAT does a person's subconscious resides? Very underused indeed. She not only has a wrong mix of generations, she also has a bad mix up of brain parts. And this book is supposed to be a bestseller?
14. In the part where she interviews Grey, Ana says:
"As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate."
Girl, even if you were bradycardic, blinking your lids sixty five times a minute would make you look delirious.
15. I Googled "fifty shades of grey reviews" and came across this article:
From http://gothamist.com/2012/09/02/mr_50_shades_of_grey_opens_up_about.php
Throughout this whole 50 Shades Of Grey phenomenon, mommys across the world have fantasized about the kind of kinky, arousing home life which could have inspired writer E.L. James to pen such riveting, rapturous prose.
I LAUGHED out loud when I read this. Riveting, rapturous prose? No shit? Hahahahahaha!
16. Again, from the same article:
Finally, the man behind Christian Grey, James' husband Niall Leonard, has deigned to pull back the curtains and give the world a glimpse into their bedroom: "I'm the least romantic fecker that ever lived - ask my wife Erika, aka E.L. James. Our first Christmas together I bought her a tin opener, and my earliest experience of kinky sex was her trying to shove it up my arse."
No wonder James has such a riveting, rapturous prose: her bloody husband has no drop of romance or imagination in his bloodstream. I don't blame her for having such riveting, rapturous fantasies expressed in a Twilight fanfiction. Poor woman.
17. Nothing, NOTHING, should ever be inspired by Twilight. Ever. Just when I thought this disastrous era of vampires and wolves is over, this inspired work comes. I mean, the books were okay, the movie was horrible, Kristen Stewart was a sad excuse of an actress, but PLEASE, can we move on with the weakling woman and the invincible handsome maniac?
18. James also says "the bar is set pretty low" on the Twilight saga and she wants to do one better. Um, no. If anything, you made me lose faith in the literary world and all other book lovers out there who loved this. In truth, you set the bar several knots under the ocean. Not only do I not trust the Globe and Mail bestsellers list anymore, but other readers as well. To reviewers, if you totally loved this, don't expect me to trust your holy grail of awesome books. Your credibility is questionable.
19. Again, further into the article:
"Leonard was her first editor: "She'd write a new chapter every week or so, and I would proof-read it, checking her spelling, adding and subtracting commas, cutting back on those bloody ellipses… and occasionally suggesting a tweak if I thought the meaning was unclear."
You let your unromantic husband proof-read and edit this? Seriously? YOU LET SOMEONE WHO ADMITS HE HAS NO INCLINATION TOWARDS ROMANCE WHATSOEVER PROOF-READ A ROMANTIC NOVEL? Not that this is in any way near a romantic novel, but still. No wonder this book is just as unromantic, it's horribly edited too, the way he let you allow all those murmurs and Oh my's appear hundreds of times in one chapter. What is fucking wrong with EL James? Or maybe the more appropriate question would be, what was RIGHT with EL James? Nothing. I assure you.
20. Two other good looking men are supposedly in love with Ana and keeps asking her out. Don't we just love women like those? Oblivious to what could be a normal relationship, and then she seeks a normal relationship with a psychopath. Yeah, girls like these are the epitome of a good role model for women in society.
21. Now, I really don't blame her for wanting more from Christian. Yes, the idea of unrequited love seems very thrilling. The idea of eventually "changing" someone, fixing something that is broken, repairing a damaged heart. Yeah, yeah, we've all longed for the bad boy, the one with the painful past. I've been there myself. But I don't really feel sorry at all for Ana. Not at all. Cry away, oh stupid one. You asked for it. If you had any wits about you, from that moment he said "I cannot give you more", I would have run the opposite direction before he could say submissive. He did give you a warning. But did you listen? Oh no. You flushed fifty shades of stupid and still bragged about your GPA.
22. Now isn't that true love? Changing someone? I'm sure all the men out there are also sitting in their offices, twiddling their thumbs waiting for some woman to stumble into their arms and change them. Am I right, guys? That's all you want, isn't it?
23. Whoever signs a contract as preposterous as that, to someone you just met, to give up your sexual rights to a nympho, no matter how handsome or rich he is, is a complete, total idiot. Brag about your GPA now, Ana. You're supposed to be educated. You supposedly have gone to college. Were you home schooled? Didn't any one of your four parents ever give you any sexual education at the very least? Not even in high school? FOUR parents. And not one told you not to spread your legs for someone you've only known for two weeks. The only thing you're missing is a flashing sign that says "EASY" on your forehead.
24. Back to Christian. For a 26-year-old billionaire, he is very busy. Busy that all he does is fuck his sex toy (Ana). Any middle aged billionaire, running a big telecommunications company, without a board of directors to answer to, should be running about the country, be on his computer most hours of the day, would hardly have any time for any extracurricular activity whatsoever, and would hardly even have time to do anything with Ana. He has 40000 employees to pay and the rest of the world to feed. For a one man team, he sure has a LOT of time for kinky sex and picking up drunkards from the bar.
25. But then again, there are hardly any 26 year old billionaires. You might say Mark Zuckerberg. But then again, he's a nerd.
26. Ana says she never drinks. Supposedly, she's a lightweight. But for the amount of champagne she drinks throughout the book, I would assume she would be knocked out after a glass. But she's not. Hooray for another realistic trait of Ana!
27. Christian gets turned on with her lip biting. Yeah, yeah, okay, we all have our fetishes. But one time too many just makes me wish that she does bite her lip off. For good.
28. Now, this grossed me out a little. On the day of their supposed first sexual encounter, Ana was working at Clayton's all day. Christian picks him up, gives her the contract, shows her the room, she tells him she's a virgin and wants to have vanilla sex with her. Now what he does next shocks me: He takes off her shoes and socks, and starts licking her foot. Like I said, we all have our fetishes. I do have a little foot fetish myself, but I'm not gross enough to lick someone's foot after they've worked all day, walking around at a hardware store for eight hours. I recoil at the smell of freshly removed socks from a foot that's been walking around for some time. Anyone's feet would be sweaty and smelly after a whole day's work, and he would just take off her sneakers and start licking her instep. That is disgusting. Even I wouldn't lick Ryan Reynold's feet if he didn't wash them first. The Red Room of Horror was weird enough, but that, just made me shudder.
29. She had two orgasms on her first night. For a virgin, she sure does know how an orgasm feels, with a penis his size. I'm sure it's just everyday that a 21 year old virgin gets her cherry popped and it just feels perfect the first time around. Two, even. And one from nipple biting. Yes, nipple biting. And how the hell does she know what an orgasm feels like? Or how supposedly good Christian was in bed? She had NO OTHER SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS TO COMPARE IT TO. Maybe Ana can give all the virgins and other first timers a lesson on how to recognize your first orgy, or how to have the perfect first time, because everyone's first time is always perfect. *cough* Mary Sue *cough cough*. Why don't you tell virgins this: I got my first orgasm from a nipple nibble, and the guy came after only a minute! It was a wonderful night!
30. This inner goddess of hers... It irks me. A lot. This may be what she calls her supposed lady parts or whatever, but I just want to pinch that inner goddess in the most painful way possible. I don't know why. It does backflips, it dances, does pirouettes... Sounds like a Toddler in Tiara. Or a really annoying fly. It just gets on my nerves. I just want to slap it its brain shudders in its skull. It's just so annoying I don't know why. Just like how I want to pinch Ana coz she's annoying as fuck.
31. He tells her how to eat, tells her not to snack, urges her to finish the food in her plate. Now, I know he has issues about world hunger and shit, but any guy who dictates what goes into someone's mouth, especially to someone you just met, just doesn't know how to respect other people. Do you really want someone like that as your boyfriend? Most moms are already crowned as the food police, I don't think anyone needs two, unless you have a serious eating disorder (again, not meaning to offend anyone in here).
32. Christian needs other shirts. For a rich CEO he only has one shirt. He may have several of the same white linen shirt, but unless you have clothing issues, maybe you should try on other types of upper body clothing for a change. You know, like a normal human being.
33. And he sure is helping put an end to world hunger, starting with buying a total stranger a car. An Audi at that. And a top of the line Mac. And a full new wardrobe. I'm sure some one thousand children in Africa feel very full.
34. "You put the phone down... No, you put the phone down... No, you do it"
High school much? What self respecting twenty-something does that anymore? It just retched back up some teenage memories most of us want to forget. Is E L James fantasizing backwards or something? Has she forgotten she's almost menopausal, and she's writing crap like this?
35. In the age of Facebook, instant messages, even texting, they email each other. Again, how very 21st century! Excuse me while I email my boyfriend. Coz that is just the latest hype, emailing. It's so very in and convenient these days.
36. Who gets excited about frozen peas? 0.o
37) The book was originally entitled "The Man of The Universe" under E L James' fanfiction author name, Snowqueens Icedragon. Snowqueens Icedragon. Ha... Ha... Hahahahahahahahaha! And to think you're fifty years old. My mom is fifty something and she would never ever think of a username like Snowqueens fucking Icedragon. No self-respecting mom would. No teenager playing MMORPG would. And "Man of the Universe"? Uh, what? I pity her kids. They'll never live the fact down that their mother owns the username Snowqueens Icedragon and wrote dipshit erotica that their friends' moms are blushing over right now.
38. Women on their periods are hormonal, cranky, and have cramps. Try fishing a tampon out of their vagina. Go on, I'd like to see you try.
39. "Laters, baby". Just. Sounds. So. Stupid. Who says that? If my boyfriend said that to me, I would just laugh and flare my nose at his corniness. It's not sexy. Ever. No woman should ever fantasize about their man saying that to them. That is just plain corny.
40. Pigtails + lip biting + virgin just screams jailbait to me. If she wasn't over twenty one it would make Christian a pedo. And to think she thought that having a pigtail might not make him come after her. The dude sucks sweaty toes, invading menstrual privacy by fishing out dirty tampons, and gets off on imposing physical abuse on whiny twats. Nothing surprises me anymore.
41. Who wasn't annoyed in the last chapters where she asked for a spanking and then cries after? Because that's what you get after a spanking, you stupid woman. It hurts. And you asked for it and then you run sobbing to a corner. I just wanted to jump in there and continue on slapping your retarded butt. And you know what the worst part is? She fucking apologizes to him. Whatever sliver of respect I have left for her, just evaporated right on the spot.
42. Where is the plot in this? Really? Who can honestly point out the story line in this? Anyone? Because, seriously, all I'm reading here is repetitive sex, lip biting, oh my's, holy shit/fuck/cow/Moses, a few boring scenes in between and no tangible climax (both sexual and literal) whatsoever. It's just a psycho fucking a spineless twat and the dumb girl wants love. Because in a real story, there is a beginning, several crises (sometimes just one), a climax, and an ending. This book is just... sex. If it's sex you want, read the Kama Sutra. Or watch free internet porn.
43. Why are they talking like Brits when this is supposed to be in Seattle? Can someone from Seattle honestly say they talk like that? James hasn't even been to Seattle or Portland or Vancouver. Not only did she not study anatomy, writing courses, reality, and common sense, she writes about places she hasn't been to. A sign of an accomplished writer. Just kidding.
44. "Is he worthy of me? That’s an interesting concept. I always wonder whether I am worthy of him."
This, ladies, should never be a question you ask yourself. For the love of God, no self-respecting woman should ever, EVER ask herself this.
45. A nympho guy who doesn't like to be touched has just some serious issues, among Christian's other peculiar ones. What, you just want to stick your dick into something and get it over and done with? You have germ issues? Well, you sure didn't have any problems sucking her sweaty foot, yet you don't like her touching you. What is wrong with this douche?
46. He changes his email signature trying to be funny. That is, uh, very CEO-ish of you. Very mid-twenties too. Very professional. And very funny. Again, just tickle me if you want me to laugh.
47. Stephenie Meyer hasn't even read these books. I don't blame her. If I had to read a spin-off on one of my novels, I won't touch the one written by E L James either.
48. Chris (my boyfriend) and I were talking about this. Choose the correct answer:
People who thought this was a good book had to be
A) a virgin
B) haven't had good sex (alone or otherwise)
C) doesn't read good books, or read, in general
D) jumping on the bandwagon
E) all of the above.
49. I will admit. I am a bit jealous that something like this, something that looks like it was written by a fourteen year old could garner such attention. Like I said, it's the sex. It's all about the sex. Anyone could have written this, maybe even better and well deserved. But an inexperienced wannabe "writer" gets a million dollars a week for this piece of shit? No wonder there are hungry people in the world.
50. Apple has no Macbook Pro with 32 gigs of RAM. I checked it in every language and country possible, ticked off all the most expensive add ons and accessories, and I only came up with a $9000 laptop with 16 gig. Where did she get this laptop? Coz Apple doesn't seem to have made one like it yet. It's back to the future with the mini disc recorder and super fast Macbook Pro. God, what era is this book set on???
I cannot stress this enough: THERE ARE WAY BETTER BOOKS OUT THERE PEOPLE. It's a shame you're adding to the fame of this undeserving book. If you thought this was a riveting, rapturous prose, I suggest you read more books (or may need a good hit on the head with a fire extinguisher). Or just admit you're reading it for the sex. If it's the latter, shame on you, succumbing to this. You can do better. If you are, in fact, like millions of other self-insulting people out there and just absolutely love this book, I question your credibility. And your taste in books, for that matter.
And there you go. My Fifty shades review. Bit long and colorful, but like I said, no book has ever garnered this much emotion from me. It's the worst book I have ever read. I have no plans on reading the other books. Ever. Curiosity killed the cat and I got murdered, dismembered, and my remains scattered all over town for satisfying my curiosity. I could not wait to put the damn book down, and now that my review is finished, I can finally delete it and the rest of the books from my eReader. It's like I finally managed to pull the fish bone stuck in my throat. I'm rereading the Harry Potter books; I have to start reading good books again since this made me lost some self-respect. I had to get them back. All I can say for Ana and Christian now is...
<3
P.S.
POS = Piece of shit.
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POS, indeed!
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